I just need to get it all out

Is it selfish to be in pain over something you didn’t get – but in the process received so much more? I keep knowing I have so many more blessings than a lot of people, but why is it so hard to shake this feeling of not receiving the NSL-Y scholarship off of me? The insane amount of hope that lingered inside of me for 7 months, the reverie brought by dreams and day-dreams alike, the excitement of quenching the thirst I had for this dream. Is it selfish to be in pain when I have two other amazing things by my side? I’ve been rejected from things before, but nothing like this has hit me so hard. I know I am not the only one wallowing in self-pity, or am I? I had these dreams and perfect images of fulfilling my dream of having a Gap-Year abroad before jumping into University, these perfect ambitions…I had it all set, how it would be done, how I would cope, what I would learn, what I would bring back with me and how I would influence others. This, all of this, lingered in me for half a year, building upon itself like the snow before an avalanche. I truly didn’t want an avalanche…I wanted the snow to melt from the rising sun. I wanted the water produced from the snow to nurture the growth of a seed into a beautiful flower..or even a tree.

I am fully aware of destiny, and have no way shape or form lost my faith in God, nor have I given up. I am eternally grateful for what I have, be it receiving the BFSIA scholarship, or the sound of my cats purring, I am grateful for everything wonderful in my life, for my friends, for my family. But this gratefulness had brought guilt – because I can not stop the pain of not receiving what I desired for what seemed like an eternity. I truly …truly wanted a Gap Year abroad, and I do not have 18,900 to pay for one. I have some money, in savings and in bonds but I know my responsibilities, and eating all that money up at once would prove to be calamity in the later future. Even if I decided to gather what I had, it would still not be enough, and although I know my family would not consider paying for it -not out of cruelty , but out of financial need – asking my family would cause them to know my pain I have now, and I know it would bring them pain, and either way I refuse to cry in front of them for this reason.

I feel as if I do not have the right to cry, but It does not seem like it can be helped. I don’t feel lost. I can still see the straight path into life, I still see my dreams. I still want to follow this path, and one day study abroad, learn, enrich, volunteer, and make a difference in our world. This pain is so confusing…..I know I’m going to be okay in the end, but I am sensing stress ahead, and the pain of not receiving the scholarship to study abroad for gap year continues to linger…….I do not regret anything……….the only thing I regret is getting my hopes too high.

I know I will be alright…….after all….being alive and having your health, that’s the most important thing.

I have that, plus a family that loves me unconditionally, strong friends by my side, bound to other opportunities, and bound to apply to more. So of course I don’t have to right to cry, please please please forgive me for being so selfish

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3 thoughts on “I just need to get it all out”

  1. I’m planning on applying for the Summer Korea NSLI-Y program for 2013-2014, and I’m already reallyreallyreallyreallyreally scared of ending up like this. I feel like my entire life depends of getting it right now, and I haven’t even applied yet (applications are available at the end of August!!). I know it’s not smart to feel this way, and get my hopes up yet, but I just can’t seem to help it. Mentally, I feel like I’m already going, and I guess all I’m asking is, do you have any advice for someone in this position? Is there any way I can snap myself out of this attitude? I’m scared..

    1. Hey Tilly.

      I’m afraid getting rid of the anxiety of something you really want will most likely linger within you until the day you find out if you were selected or not. However, I can tell you that it needs to be put under control. I had friends who made them sick from all the anxiety, skipped classes, work, always in a bad mood, drove friends insane etc. I nearly did that to myself. In the end, as you read, I didn’t get it. But, as for ending up like how I was, would it be so bad? Life really isn’t a bucket of candy…it has it’s ups and downs. I recuperated just a couple weeks later, and what else happened? I got a domestic scholarship, today I have a full scholarship to spend 10 days in Korea, and I am a part of the Flagship program with more opportunities being lined up. My point? Your life does *not* depend on this one event. While yes, getting it will benefit you..but..won’t not being selected benefit you as well? I hate using the word failure, but it has been said that in order to gain great success you must first face great failure. So in other words, you will grow from the experience no matter what.

      In the mean time, remember that there are countless of other opportunities out there, look for them, write them out: make sure you’re ALWAYS dreaming, make sure you always have something to chase. That’s the best advice I can possibly give to you, because that’s what helped me. If I always had something to live for, work for, and dream for, I was okay, even when I fell down. Apply to NSLI-Y, Apply to CIEE. Hell, apply to Germany, Apply to YES. Look for future colleges that offer Korean, look into applying for the university Critical Language Scholarship for Korean, keep looking. There IS a chance you won’t get Korea (and I hope I’m wrong) and if you don’t get it, keep moving, determination, sight and power will keep you standing and allow you to raise above those who even exceeded you before you succeed yourself.

      Oh, also you have what I did not: TIME. I applied to NSLI-Y 3 days before the dead line as a senior, and I had never applied to anything in my entire life. Are you in the NSLI-Y group? Seek advice. Heck, feel free to message me, because being turned down from NSLI-Y allowed me to see what exactly their looking for in an applicant – and realizing that much is what got me where I am today. I’m grateful for my failure. Because now I am able to succeed.

      All and all, good luck and I hope you get it the first time around. but if not…remember what I said. Be positive, keep looking, keep dreaming, join some clubs/new activities, be a book worm and get all A’s, go out with friends 🙂 that’s what will keep a happy attitude.

      1. Sorry I’m so late replying.. All I have to say is that you’re extremely inspiring and whenever I feel unsatisfied with my life I can just read this and make it better, because you’re really skilled at helping me to get some perspective. Thank you so much for your time constructing this amazing response. 🙂

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