I just need to get it all out

Is it selfish to be in pain over something you didn’t get – but in the process received so much more? I keep knowing I have so many more blessings than a lot of people, but why is it so hard to shake this feeling of not receiving the NSL-Y scholarship off of me? The insane amount of hope that lingered inside of me for 7 months, the reverie brought by dreams and day-dreams alike, the excitement of quenching the thirst I had for this dream. Is it selfish to be in pain when I have two other amazing things by my side? I’ve been rejected from things before, but nothing like this has hit me so hard. I know I am not the only one wallowing in self-pity, or am I? I had these dreams and perfect images of fulfilling my dream of having a Gap-Year abroad before jumping into University, these perfect ambitions…I had it all set, how it would be done, how I would cope, what I would learn, what I would bring back with me and how I would influence others. This, all of this, lingered in me for half a year, building upon itself like the snow before an avalanche. I truly didn’t want an avalanche…I wanted the snow to melt from the rising sun. I wanted the water produced from the snow to nurture the growth of a seed into a beautiful flower..or even a tree.

I am fully aware of destiny, and have no way shape or form lost my faith in God, nor have I given up. I am eternally grateful for what I have, be it receiving the BFSIA scholarship, or the sound of my cats purring, I am grateful for everything wonderful in my life, for my friends, for my family. But this gratefulness had brought guilt – because I can not stop the pain of not receiving what I desired for what seemed like an eternity. I truly …truly wanted a Gap Year abroad, and I do not have 18,900 to pay for one. I have some money, in savings and in bonds but I know my responsibilities, and eating all that money up at once would prove to be calamity in the later future. Even if I decided to gather what I had, it would still not be enough, and although I know my family would not consider paying for it -not out of cruelty , but out of financial need – asking my family would cause them to know my pain I have now, and I know it would bring them pain, and either way I refuse to cry in front of them for this reason.

I feel as if I do not have the right to cry, but It does not seem like it can be helped. I don’t feel lost. I can still see the straight path into life, I still see my dreams. I still want to follow this path, and one day study abroad, learn, enrich, volunteer, and make a difference in our world. This pain is so confusing…..I know I’m going to be okay in the end, but I am sensing stress ahead, and the pain of not receiving the scholarship to study abroad for gap year continues to linger…….I do not regret anything……….the only thing I regret is getting my hopes too high.

I know I will be alright…….after all….being alive and having your health, that’s the most important thing.

I have that, plus a family that loves me unconditionally, strong friends by my side, bound to other opportunities, and bound to apply to more. So of course I don’t have to right to cry, please please please forgive me for being so selfish

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Burned Ambitions? No. Delayed Ambitions.

This month has been a crazy one. It all started, to my surprise, when I was accepted into Michigan State University. Michigan State is absolutely my favorite university, despite it “just being a state college”. It’s really so much more than that to me. This university offers a unique program only offered by four or five select universities around the nation – The Arabic Flag Ship Program. This program would assist me in understanding and learning the Arabic language and culture, as well as provides me with to opportunity to study abroad, long term, during university. (Although I plan to study abroad more than just once.) The program guarantees advanced level in Arabic after completing their program. Also, MSU offers unique “Freshmen Seminar Abroad” (FSA) opportunities for freshmen.  FSA cost about 3k (which includes everything) and take place for two weeks during summer/winter break in either Dubai, South Africa, New Zealand, Ireland, Italy or China. My top choice is Dubai, then South Africa, and then China. China is more of just a “oh it would be cool to see that country” opportunity to me, haha. South Africa fascinates me, and I dream of going there one day – maybe to volunteer or even teach (or volunteer teaching). And the of course Dubai…it’s my passion mixed together with some old school vacation. Dubai is a very interesting place, West meets East.

I entered into an essay writing contest on the Republic of Azerbaijan. The ten winners would be selected for a two week trip to Azerbaijan. I made it into the Nationals (as in my essay was chosen to represent NC) but sadly was rejected at the finals.

The next thing that got me this month was getting accepted into something called “Benjamin Franklin Summer Institute with South and Central Asia” (BFSIA) I was one of 10 people (out of the 70 who applied) that received this scholarship. This summer, I will be spending 4weeks in Virginia living at a local university. I will dorm with, and study with, students from the U.S.A and South/Central Asia (mostly India and Pakistan). We will have classes on culture, foreign policy, Peace and Conflict Resolution and so so so much more. We visit Washington DC, as well as NYC and the United Nations. And of course there’s probably something I’m leaving out! We also live with host families. The American Students will be placed with host families from a different country. I’m thrilled to receive this scholarship! So blessed! and I am looking forward to this amazing experience!

Lastly, last night, I was rejected from the one I wanted most. National Language Initiative For Youth.  (NSLI-Y) I applied to spend a gap year in Morocco (the country offered for Arabic year students) with NSLI-Y. I watched countless people make it into other countries for their scholarships (IE China, Korea) but for some reason I only saw one person win Arabic Year, and she’s turning it down for university. Everyone is a little astonished at how very little Arabic scholarships went out, considering it’s the language the department of state encourages us to learn the most. I’m still kind of in denial. Not that I think I’m better than anyone else, it’s just that for 7 months I looked forward to these results and received a rejection.  ~ouch. 😦

In any case, I received 2/4 things I desired! I didn’t get the BIG one, but with the ones I did get, I know it will open many many doors for me. Michigan State is a great university, with great opportunity. BFIA is a well-recognized competitive program, and I know for a fact this is going to open a few doors as well. (not to mention the ton I will learn, the growth I will experience, and the lessons I will take home with me…oh and the friends. I look forward to making a ton of friends!)

So. I started climbing that latter, and I reached for a step a little too high, instead, I was blessed with the step below it. However, I have a feeling reaching this step will prove to be more beneficial than reaching that big one. Everything happens for a reason. My journey  has only begun.