Is it selfish to be in pain over something you didn’t get – but in the process received so much more? I keep knowing I have so many more blessings than a lot of people, but why is it so hard to shake this feeling of not receiving the NSL-Y scholarship off of me? The insane amount of hope that lingered inside of me for 7 months, the reverie brought by dreams and day-dreams alike, the excitement of quenching the thirst I had for this dream. Is it selfish to be in pain when I have two other amazing things by my side? I’ve been rejected from things before, but nothing like this has hit me so hard. I know I am not the only one wallowing in self-pity, or am I? I had these dreams and perfect images of fulfilling my dream of having a Gap-Year abroad before jumping into University, these perfect ambitions…I had it all set, how it would be done, how I would cope, what I would learn, what I would bring back with me and how I would influence others. This, all of this, lingered in me for half a year, building upon itself like the snow before an avalanche. I truly didn’t want an avalanche…I wanted the snow to melt from the rising sun. I wanted the water produced from the snow to nurture the growth of a seed into a beautiful flower..or even a tree.
I am fully aware of destiny, and have no way shape or form lost my faith in God, nor have I given up. I am eternally grateful for what I have, be it receiving the BFSIA scholarship, or the sound of my cats purring, I am grateful for everything wonderful in my life, for my friends, for my family. But this gratefulness had brought guilt – because I can not stop the pain of not receiving what I desired for what seemed like an eternity. I truly …truly wanted a Gap Year abroad, and I do not have 18,900 to pay for one. I have some money, in savings and in bonds but I know my responsibilities, and eating all that money up at once would prove to be calamity in the later future. Even if I decided to gather what I had, it would still not be enough, and although I know my family would not consider paying for it -not out of cruelty , but out of financial need – asking my family would cause them to know my pain I have now, and I know it would bring them pain, and either way I refuse to cry in front of them for this reason.
I feel as if I do not have the right to cry, but It does not seem like it can be helped. I don’t feel lost. I can still see the straight path into life, I still see my dreams. I still want to follow this path, and one day study abroad, learn, enrich, volunteer, and make a difference in our world. This pain is so confusing…..I know I’m going to be okay in the end, but I am sensing stress ahead, and the pain of not receiving the scholarship to study abroad for gap year continues to linger…….I do not regret anything……….the only thing I regret is getting my hopes too high.
I know I will be alright…….after all….being alive and having your health, that’s the most important thing.
I have that, plus a family that loves me unconditionally, strong friends by my side, bound to other opportunities, and bound to apply to more. So of course I don’t have to right to cry, please please please forgive me for being so selfish